As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
