I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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