i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
