Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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