he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
