I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
