I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
