$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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