If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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