He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
