My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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