my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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