GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
