New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
