I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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