6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
