How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
