I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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