He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
