If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
