just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
