Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
