Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
