Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
