is your mom at the bar?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize