I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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