Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
