My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
