I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
