We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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