Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize