You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
