My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
