my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
