my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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