i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
