My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So. Much. Porn.
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