Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
