I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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