At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i was born a porn star she said
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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