Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
pop tarts are not kleenex
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
