If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
