Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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