I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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