Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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