I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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