as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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