i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No subtext here. People are naked.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
