my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
