Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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