hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
