My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Panties = found
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