Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
