my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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