Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
