what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
