Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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