so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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